With Holmes so badly represented, no matter what else Bales and Goldenberg throws into the mix – and to be fair they throw in a hell of a lot – it all comes to naught when we grow to dislike Holmes as much as we do here. He’s far and away the worst Holmes ever seen on screen, entirely lacking the authority and gravitas for the role and being outshone at every turn by David-Lloyd and Huw, neither of whose performances are particularly stellar but they shine brightly compared to Syder’s poor showing. The biggest problem is Syder, making his film debut as a hopeless, far too young and utterly wet Holmes. It’s all completely bonkers and wildly overwrought though somehow manages to be less fun than it should be. In the modern-day wraparound sequences an ageing Watson (David Shackleton), close to death and desperate to tell the tale, dictates the story to his assistant Lucy Hudson (Rachael Evelyn), telling her that it’s one of those stories that Holmes felt ” the public was not ready to hear” – though quite how he expected to keep the Palace of Westminster in flames and two dragons fighting it out in the skies over London a secret is something that Paul Bales’ screenplay notably avoids answering. In the guise of Spring-heeled Jack, he’s also constructed the various monsters that are on the rampage and Anesidora Ivory (Elizabeth Arends), ostensibly his assistant/lover who is actually a life-like clockwork automaton programmed to infiltrate Buckingham Palace while Thorpe creates a diversion with his dragon attack on London and detonate the bomb it’s been built around, killing Queen Victoria, an act that Thorpe plans to pin on Lestrade. The basic plot – cluttered by all manner of unnecessary diversions and details – revolves around the mad designs of Thorpe Holmes (Dominic Keating) who, paralysed after being shot during a bank robbery, blames his former partner Lestrade for his fate and has constructed a steampunk, Iron Man-like suit (two Robert Downey Jr knock offs for the price of one!) to help him get around. The attack attracts the attention of Sherlock Holmes (Ben Syder) and Dr John Watson (Gareth David-Lloyd, lately of the BBC’s Doctor Who (2005-) spin off Torchwood (2006-2011)) who soon find themselves involved in a bizarre case involving Inspector Lestrade (William Huw), dinosaurs terrorising the inhabitants of Whitechapel, a never-before-heard-of Holmes sibling and a plot to destroy Britain using a humanoid bomb and fire-breathing dragons. Things quickly get back to normal though with a rubbish giant octopus attack on a ship in the English Channel during which the image keeps losing its fake “film look” effect. The opening shot – a night time air raid on 1940 London – is rather well done by The Asylum’s usual standards, as is the impressive title sequence created by Steven Rogers. The home of the “mockbuster”, they were quick to cash in on Guy Ritchie’s noisy, big-budget Sherlock Holmes (2009) with this identically titled romp (released to DVD in January 2010, a month after Ritchie’s films was in cinemas) directed by Rachel Lee Goldenberg that proved to be one of their better films – which isn’t really saying that much. You know that anything they offer us isn’t going to be the best thing you’ll see this – or indeed any other – year yet there’s often something strangely endearing and often ridiculously entertaining about the ultra-low budget tat they serve up at an extraordinary rate. There’s something oddly reassuring about The Asylum.
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